Because I am a material girl..kind-of sort-of

Pretty things make me happy. They really do. Whether it’s sparkly shoes or LBDs or LWDs or a great pair of skinny jeans or accessories or beautiful Little Mermaid duvet or a perfectly drawn sketch. Or a Norman Rockwell painting. Or Harper Seven Beckham. Seriously, that child is so pretty!!

Which is why, when I laid out a bunch of delightfully delicate little souvenirs that I bought from my recent trip to Malaysia and Hong Kong, I wasn’t surprised to find that my bed filled up with them as quickly as my heart filled with happiness.

Take the Snoopy nail clippers I picked up at a small store in Langkawi..

Red and white Snoopy nail clippers. I love me my Peanuts merchandise!!
Red and white Snoopy nail clippers. I love me my Peanuts merchandise!!

Aren’t they precious!! Now, anything to do with Peanuts is going to make a happy child anyway..but these clippers, with their functionality and actual usefulness, seem as fabulous as I’m sure Snoopy believes he is, as a WW I Flying Ace battling his arch enemy The Red Baron. “Curse you, Red Baron”.

Taking on the Red Baron..fabulously
Taking on the Red Baron..fabulously

Next to Snoopy, on my bed, was a lot of Disney stuff. My beautiful Disney necklace, which I like to proclaim truly may be the key to happiness (as corny as it sounds)..

The key to Happiness
The key to Happiness

Minnie Mouse came in two different avatars: yellow, bookish and polka-dotted (as a bookmark) and outright nerdy with glasses (as a pin)..

Minnie's two avatars
Minnie’s two avatars

..and she keeps great company to my other bookmarks (like the yellow ladybug, pictured above) and these ladies)..

They're not ladybugs..but they sure look pretty
They’re not ladybugs..but they sure look pretty

There were luggage tags that featured the lovely Ariel. There was also a stern-looking Lisa Simpson USB drive. And the sunlight hit my new pink gym watch and my what-others-called-Cinderella-slippers-but-I-won’t-because-Cinderella-is-pretty-much-my-least-favourite-Disney-princess-and-so-rather-irreverently-I-might-just-call-them-Lucy (shoes), just perfectly. Like it does all pretty things..

Pink by Domo
Pink by Domo
Lucy
Lucy

All pretty things make me happy. Take pretty food for instance. How is one supposed to not feel deliriously wonderful when there’s a plateful of this in front of you? Photograph courtesy Vikram Viswanath

Yum. Full stop.
Yum. Full stop.

All of this makes it seem like I’m a materialistic little nugget (or does food not qualify?). Well, I am..but only because. Because. Because. I don’t know. Pretty things make me happy. Period.

Sure, I could write about the overwhelming beauty of nature and post a picture of a double rainbow or a frozen lake or some beautiful autumn foliage. All things that’re extremely pretty and make me quite happy..sure. But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel it’s alright to sit back and gaze with wonder at something more tangible. Something you can touch and feel against your skin. Something that cost you money, perhaps. But was worth it. Like your shoe collection. Or a box of Miss Dior perfumes. Or those skinny jeans I was talking about. It’s alright to feel happy because of pretty, material things. You’ve earned them.

To be enamoured by a tattooed bisexual hacker

I need Lisbeth Salander. I’m on Book 2 of the Millenium trilogy (most people know it as the ‘Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ book series). It’s taken a while (partly because I was on my self-bestowed exile from all things literary); but as expected, I’ve reached the stage when I start to believe a fictional character could materialize into reality and take on a very important role in my life.

Growing up, I did that with many different characters: I wanted Huck Finn for a friend, I wanted TO BE Nancy Drew..

The first Nancy Drew mystery I ever read
The first Nancy Drew mystery I ever read

And I so wanted to hang out with any of the Famous Five (but I was always partial to Julian) and have stories read out to me by the dad from ‘When Daddy Was a Little Boy’..

Daddy reading bedtime stories to his little girl
Daddy reading bedtime stories to his little girl
Little Daddy..throwing his beloved ball under the car
Little Daddy..throwing his beloved ball under the car

I wondered what a quiet hand-gestures-only conversation with Chief Bromden would be like, I wanted to suffer with Kira and figure out the winter-time mystery of the ducks at Central Park for Holden Caulfield. I wished to work with Dominique Francon and Howard Roark, go traipsing through the snow with Jo March and speak cockney with Eliza Dolittle. I yearned to find and be with a man like Aragorn and conspire with Natasha Hyatt (that devilishly beautiful fiend from ‘The Basic Eight’).

The Basic Eight: Heathers, for the 21st century
The Basic Eight: Croquet & Heathers, for the 21st century

At various points in my life, each of these characters came by and played their predefined roles in a variety of interesting little skits in my head. But Lisbesth Salander is different.

Never before had I fancied a brilliant computer hacker with a photographic memory and a violent past, for a friend or a confidante. But I need someone like Salander in my life right now. There’s been too much brutality recently: on the news (what with the Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro) and in PS3 games (the Origami Killer from ‘Heavy Rain’). I need someone like Salander to kick ass and avenge everything wrong done to her. I realized I’d been rooting for her despite her maniacal ways. Maybe even because of them. I need someone like Salander (small, frail, awkward) to overcome her obstacles. Oh..and there’s also a project at work where I could use her hacking skills. Then of course, if I was in possession of her skills, I might as well hack into some fraudulent multi-billionaire’s accounts and keep a few million dollars for myself. And the work project could wait.

Until then, I’ll just turn the pages and continue reading. Go Lisbeth!!

12.40 am. Can't put the book down. Except to post this :P
12.40 am. Can’t put the book down. Except to post this 😛

A 2-meter long dress train, a father, and a Duke who held the bouquet

When I was 12 years old, I had a huge crush on Prince Harry. His carrot coloured hair and freckled face with the mischievous grin were very attractive to an adolescent me. Not to mention that he had the prefix “Prince” before his name. He was roughly my age too..a month older to me. And he was British..which to me (especially back then..during my pre-England-living days) meant the world. In short, he was perfect. The years passed, and notwithstanding his devilish turn as a Nazi at some costume party, I realize he’s still very cute and fetching. Ofcourse, I’ve grown over my childhood crush. But seeing his brother be married (and I saw every minute of it..me foolish monarchy-loving brat), made me reminisce longingly about my Harry-loving days. 

So the whole world watched the wedding. Or so it seemed like. The whole of Britain descended upon The Mall and Buckingham Palace and Hyde Park. Or so it seemed like. For my fashion-and-detail-obsessed self, Catherine Middleton’s Alexander McQueen wedding dress with all its lacework detail and the story behind her tiara and jewellery were almost as enchanting as the stories I would read to myself at night when I was little. The 8-tiered cake done in the Joseph Lambeth technique and everything that the flowers used in the cake and in the bride’s bouquet represented, to William’s request to have the chocolate biscuit McVities cake at their reception and their newlywed titles and the history and the lore and everything associated with it was a whole lot of blue-blooded fun.

Commoners called the wedding magical. The media and the photographers called it surreal. A sea of 5,00,000 people lining a nearly-private street can do that to you!! Historians stated that the genius of the wedding was that it was not only a marriage between William and Catherine, but also between the past and the present, and between the people and the sovereign and other such complex matters. Well..questions of the monarchy’s survival and the inclusiveness and informality that the new guard seems to have brought with them, are all issues that can be pondered over on a rainy English day when you’re sipping on a hot cup o’ tea and trying to be posh and all that.

For me, as a television observer across continents, the highlight of the royal wedding had nothing to do with monarchy and the ceremony and the crowds etc. There were 2 tiny moments that defined everything that a marriage is: as Catherine Middleton was getting into the Rolls Royce to take her over to Westminster Abbey for the service, the 2 meter 70 centimeter long train of her wedding dress had to be carefully collected and handled by someone who would know how important the dress was to her. Her father did that job. He collected it and held it gently as he sat in the car right next to her. Father knows best!! But after the ceremony, as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge alighted from the Abbey to get into the 1902 State Landau carriage to carry them back to the Palace, the father was appropriately a fair distance away. Who held her hand and her bouquet and helped her in the carriage? William did.

The marriage was not just about the passing of the guard from old to new for the monarchy. It was about the passing of the guard from father to husband..and marriages are often just as simple as that!!

Being in the company of The Beatles

“What we felt in those years… the hope, the joy, the possibilities… the sense that anything might happen… no matter who we were… will always be a part of us. After all, people said the Beatles would never last. And they were right. Except, of course… they did.”                                                                       – The Wonder Years.

The Beatles sang about it..like they sing about everything that really matters in life. They wrote it down and then they sang it explicitly, “When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody’s help in any way. But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured, Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors”. I remember a time when I didn’t know the Beatles..when I’d not been introduced to their music and life was oddly surreal. I was a kid and I was self sufficient. Not literally of course. I had no money of my own and no trust fund and I couldn’t cook or bake and I needed my parents to come along with me if I wanted to leave my home..then my neighbourhood..then Vashi. But besides that..I was self sufficient. I had my books and my music and my thoughts and my sketchbook and my clothes and shoes. I was never dependent on anybody else for my happiness. For even a modicum of it. The ways to be happy were simple..all I had to do was reach home early from dance class and school so that I wouldn’t miss the episodes of “Blossom” or “Road to Avonlea”.

(Equation 1: Watching “Blossom” and “Road to Avonlea” = Sneha happy). To avoid being sad I would just not watch or read sad stuff..and I made sure I did my homework on time!!

Life was not so much about minimizing pain and maximizing happiness..or maybe it was. Are you more hedonistic when you’re a child? But the Beatles were right..like they are about everything that really matters in life. When I was younger..much younger than I am now..I didn’t need anybody’s help to make and keep me happy. I feel a part of that vanishing..that self confidence and the swagger that I had as a child. When you know that happiness is yours to grab and just a child’s jump away. Now I’m not so sure about it anymore. Not that I’m dependent sorely on others for my happiness. Lets just say my happiness sometimes thrives because of other humans.

I’m asocial and a misanthrope in more ways than one and yet I find myself being affected by how and what people say and do things to me. Is that an irony? Or a contradiction? I once was in a car with 4 friends..one of whom was rapidly trying to unsuccessfully get us all hooked onto a conversation about a song where the singer sang about irony. He gave us a bunch of examples of what he thought was irony..which to me sounded a lot like contradiction. I didn’t blame him. I blamed the songwriter and my high school English teacher. Maybe I cant tell the two apart. I dont mean the songwriter and my English teacher..I mean irony and contradiction. Maybe I cant tell apart irony from contradiction. But I like what Lelaina says in Reality Bites, “I cant define irony..but I know it when I see it”. Do I?

What bothers me is that I didn’t even realize it. This change within me from being a self sufficient (in the ways that matter) kid to being in my mid 20s and experiencing mood swings every other day.

(Equation 2: My mood swings > robust young monkey swinging on a pendulum).

Somewhere along the way I opened myself up to experiences. I lived a sheltered life as a child..maybe. Then one fine day in June you realize you’re “in like” with someone and everything changes for you. You go from being happy with your books and your music and your thoughts and your drawings and your fashion to wanting so much more.

You go from (Equation 3: Books + music + thoughts and poems etc = Sneha happy) to (Equation 4: Books +music + thoughts and poems etc + etc + person you’re “in like” with = Sneha happy). Somewhere down the line you grow up and things about this person mean more to you than even your beloved darling books. (Equation 5: Above thought = GASP!!).

You let go of your insecurities never realizing that in the process you’ve acquired newer..more beguiling ones. June turns to March..5 years on..and you’re still the same kid..self sufficient with your books and music..but insecure too. Insecure for your love of this person. Yes..you now love this person. Insecure in your feelings for them because they make the world look gray one moment and dazzlingly purple and ivory the next. Insecure too because other people look like villains or soulmates depending on how the world appears to you. Rain falls hard and winters come by and leaves turn gold and fall and spring comes too soon and the world remains as it is. But things appear different because it is you who have changed. Is it part of growing up? I know not. Is it healthy? I cant say for sure. What do you do until you figure out then? You close your eyes and rest assure in the knowledge that the Beatles were always right..like they are about everything that really matters in life. You rest assure in the knowledge that they knew this before you did..and they wrote about it too. You’re not alone.

The perfect wedding

Remember Forest and Jenny..being married on the beautiful sprawling green lawns of his old whitewashed house in Greenbow Alabama? With little Forest Gump as the ring bearer..and the wedding guests the likes of Lt. Dan and his new oriental wife and Forest’s old housemaids and very very few people otherwise? The grass was a lovely shade of green..the waters of the lake shimmered and glistened..the skies were blue with white clouds floating by..Alabama looked charming..and Jenny wore flowers in her hair..and it was all perfect!!

Contrast all this with the way weddings are in India. I’ve always been quite scared of religious rituals..they threaten me into an unintelligent existence. The whole deal with the long wedding..the many rituals..the bride and the groom who look sweaty and uncomfortable even at spacious open air venues or air conditioned banquet halls..the poor bride in the heavy clothes and makeup and in some cultures tons of jewellery and gaudy gajras weighing her down..the poor groom wearing the ill-fitting blazer bought specially for the occasion..the people who come dressed in jarringly jazzy clothes..who’re never quite happy with whatever and however the “ceremony” and the “reception” are..the clocks that just stop ticking because nobody seems to ever leave..the mess that is made of the dining area..all the wasted food..all the wasted people when alcohol is served. The whole charlatanism of everything that is so Indian about weddings is so so disturbing that I refused to ever be a part of it. Alas..

But now..I need to be a part of it. My sister is getting married in the next few months..and she’s an atheist. She doesn’t believe in religion or god or rituals or tradition or customs or anything. But my mother does..and mothers always have a way of getting their way!! My home has been a madhouse discussing all the wedding related things..my family is discussing things like wedding guest lists and menus and venues and wedding styles and a whole lot of other things which nobody can seem to reach a consensus over. May god give everyone the sense to do it all and actually enjoy the experience. I told my mother that the day belongs to my sister and my would-be brother-in-law and as a mother she ought to be happy that her daughter is happy..and that the happiness cannot be measured by the sari or jewellery she wears or the number of people who’re invited for the event or the number of items on the food menu or the type of return gifts or any of it!! I don’t quite think she agreed to what I said. Alas..

The best thing about all of this? My mind is a little bit clearer about stuff. If I ever do get married, I want it to be at dusk or at night..in the starlight..on a clean virginal white sandy beach or at a private non-commercialised vineyard or better still, on an uninhabited island somewhere away from civilization. There’ll only be my favourite flowers around..white roses and violets..and the wild flowers native to that area. There’ll be Russian vodka and gin and tonic and brandy and chocolates and brownies and that’ll be all. There might be a gazebo nearby..but I don’t know about that. I’ll wear a white – cream frock or a skirt with a hint of silver and I’ll be barefoot and I’ll wear tiny wild flowers in my hair..or a dainty flower tiara. My man will wear what he’s most comfortable in..except ofcourse a Hawaiian shirt!! We’ll read pieces from our favourite books or poems. The music will be what we both like..Oasis or Beatles or Simon and Garfunkel..or Tan Dun or Howard Shore..the piano..violin or the cello. There will be dancing..but not the kinds you get to see at typical weddings. Nobody will be drunk or a damp squib..there’ll be very few guests..only very very close ones. My man and me will go for a midnight swim or a midnight boat ride to celebrate being married and we’ll lie down and sleep in the middle of the lake/ sea under the stars in each others’ arms and it’ll be perfection!! We’ll be happy and unbothered about the world and its worries..the world and time will cease to exist and nothing will ever matter again except happiness.

A Butterfly in Love

I was the butterfly on the wall on the day you met R. I followed you right from your home. Infact I saw you get dressed in that sexy pink top of yours!! How snug it fits you!! I got off the wall and sat on your pretty handbag. I whispered past your bare arm once and it was cold but soft..but you were unaware of my presence. You were very distant from all us earthly beings.

I followed you to where you met R. I saw you smile shyly and then I heard you giggle as you saw R and I saw you touch your hair nervously as you do when you’re excited. R was so excited to see you!! The skies turned dark while you discussed ‘social work’ in all of its warped nature. I sat by patiently on your handbag and listened to you say meaningful things about education being the vindicator to most things in life and I heard the hint of anger in your voice when R and you talked about people who think they’re doing “good for the society”. Bankum yes. Man has compromised all his intelligence in trying to be altruistic.

R and you looked so perfect together!! When you nibbled on your yummy looking bacon sandwich and licked your lips of the delicious bites, I was so very tempted to fly up and bite you on your lips. But I refrained..I’m more fortunate just observing you. I learn more about you this way. I was scared for you when you entered that dark place with all the smoke in it. I hesitated before entering..but I saw that you were nervous yourself because you were touching your hair softly..so I followed R and you into the place anyway. I saw you giggle as you had the golden liquid and I felt the warmth through your body as I hovered close to you.

Where do you wanna get a tattoo done? R wants to accompany you and get a tattoo too..so thats good. You have company. Ofcourse I’m hoping you’ll get a tiny image of me on your body..right where you pointed out to R when R asked you where you want to get the tattoo done. Why’re you so shy and self-conscious? I believe a small lovely little tattoo would look perfect on you. I heard you discuss with R about you wanting to be sedated when you’ll get it done. I understand that you’re a fragile little thing who cannot bear pain and violence and many other things..but do not be afraid of the pain. It’ll only make you stronger. Ask those of us who saw their young ones be turned into human experiments. But you’re different. You’re lovely..

No you wont be sedated when you get your tattoo done. I’ll be on the wall of the tattoo parlour. No question of sedatives..you’ll be high on the pain and excitement!! I heard you refer to Leo who drank too much sake and then drew “a little yellow bird” on Eric’s butt and I heard you say that “a little yellow bird” if it happens to be Woodstock aka Snoopy’s friend would be a lovely tattoo to have. How I love your affection towards all little garden creatures!!

When you do get your tattoo done I’ll flap my wings over it to relieve you off the pain of it all. I’m looking forward to doing it. R can mind R’s own business. I’ll mind yours. There was a reason why you found me in your cute red box of brownies five years back. We go a long way back, you child of Venus..

Insects or jewels

I like dewdrops. Because they can be captured on film in high definition and made to look like precious stones or little drops of heaven? No..because they’re just among the very very few beautiful things that you can sit back and look at on a cold winter morning.

There are things I never do because I think too much. I think ahead..I think behind..I think sideways..I think it all. If it exists..I’ve f***ing thought of it. Do I overthink dewdrops? They’re so little. But I see everything..I see it all. Like jewel eyes of insects, blind as to expression but infinite as to seeing power.

The human gestation period: a new perspective

9 months = the human gestation period.

9 months = the human depression period.

January: Every year starts with the fresh scent of oncoming fortunes and the grandiosity of everything we feel ourselves to be worthy of. My best friend would always say that whatever it is that we do on New Year’s Eve at the turn of the year at midnight, is what we would do the rest of the year.  Or atleast be in the happy mood to want to do the same things. From the time she imparted this priceless little gem to me, I’ve always made it a point to be happy and carefree on New Year’s Eve and be engaged in something that I find true pleasure in. On December 31st 2005, I spent the night with my school friends eating brownies and drinking vodka. The year after that, I spent New Year’s Eve in a caravan at the Isle of Wight in England..shivering cold in the midst of the harsh English winter..eating enchiladas and refusing to pose for pictures. In 2007, I spent a blissful New Year’s Eve away from a smoke-filled lounge and instead had tremendous fun at my friend’s house in Chennai. There were three of us..we watched Edward Norton in ‘American History X’ while eating spicy chicken and spent the night bitching about pretentious acquaintances and discussing philosophy and eye colours. In 2008, I read all through New Year’s Eve. I sat in my room alone and finished reading Alan Moore’s graphic novel ‘Watchmen’ and it was so so magical. The years passed on well. I spent four happy years based on my New Year’s Eve doings. What then did I do different on December 31st 2009? How did I bring in 2010? I don’t know..I don’t remember. Maybe I was cocky. Maybe after the high that 2009 had been, I believed it would all remain the same and if not, would only get better. Who knew..

I spent January meeting old friends and renewing older acquaintances. I ate tilgul laddoos and projected a sense of calm regarding everything..

February: Aaahhh work. The bliss that is work ..work that you enjoy and care for. Work that means something. I was engaged in many such intellectual pursuits in the month of February. I was writing up an uber cool report on Criminal Justice Reforms in India. I booked my tickets for a lovely two week holiday to the UK. I was all set to leave in the last week of March. I was excited. I had my wardrobe all planned out. Skinny jeans..lovely summer dresses..skirts..I had them all sorted out. My work contract was about to end and I was looking forward to newer things to learn and cherish. There were days when I felt insecure like Rory does on Gilmore Girls..like she’s too overqualified to be an assistant to someone who thinks she’s a swell assistant but does not have it in her to be a journalist. I wondered if I was gonna be a Research Assistant all my life..and the thought frightened me.

I spent the month flitting back and forth between love for work and a certain sense of dread for change..

March: Baking. Brownies. Be. Beautiful. Act. Aloof. And. Nothing. The month of March started lovely. Those days, I was listening to music by Howard Shore and Tan Dun. How loverly. I spent days listening to the most splendidly exquisite compositions by these people who can only be described as geniuses. I made a few new friends. Or did I? That’s when paranoia kicked in..about lots of things. I was weird in March. Weirder than I usually am. I would be crazy happy one moment and insanely depressed the next.

In March, I was convinced I had a mood disorder more than ever before..

April: 2nd April was a bad bad day. When the second day of a month is so horrible..you’re a fool to think the rest of the month could still get any better. I was that fool. I hoped. I expected. I deviated from my normal behaviour of keeping things locked up inside me..of being alone by myself and happy with my own thoughts. I shared my thoughts and feelings with people I’d barely known for six months. Social networking sites were always a pain for me. I’m not programmed to enjoy them. A year after I joined my first one, I was already feeling the weight of its superficiality and hypocrisy. I did all sorts of work. I was like a little ant trying to store more food than I would possibly need.

I was tired in April..in my body and my mind..

May: I don’t remember May too well. Its a hazy unhealthy mix of too much small talk and a certain boy that I gifted something to on his birthday.

The rest of my memories for May are burnt up and melted in the heat of the season..

June: New fresh starts perhaps? One wishes. An engagement party..meeting relatives after years..a long awaited return of your dear work mentor and supervisor..and things are a little bit nicer. But only just. Remember delirium? I do quite well. I was encased in it. I thought “back to work and I’ll get over all the bad things that I’ve been feeling for the past couple of months”..and I was right. Except that I didn’t. Ha!!

I spent June laughing at myself..self deprecating laughter never sounded so sweet..

July: Marriage = Yay. Mithai = Yay. Mehendi = Not so much. Deviation from her own usual self = Sneha. I got mehendi drawn on my hands..and for anyone who knows me well can tell why its such a big deal for me. I have an irrational phobia to mehendi. It goes hand in hand with my more than irrational phobia towards the big cats – something that can be elaborated at a future ‘somewhat happier’ time – and my irrational dread towards all things in clusters. But all phobias aside, I was quite the belle of the wedding reception..clad in my lovely purple and gold sari and beautiful jewellery..shy and delicate but mingling among the guests and being witty. Fine..that was how my best friend described me. I’m hardly immodest enough to say such things about myself!! Duh.

I remembered the story well..of the little yellow duckling who turns into a swan. Duck? Swan? Who me? I’m a canary..

August: Photographs. Stories. Memories. Betrayal. Love. That’s what August has been all about. Did I not say..I’ve also started moonlighting as the unofficial tagline writer for cheesy C grade movies? The above line..case in point. The humour you ask me? Lost in translation. I’ve realised things and I’ve understood certain others. But people still baffle me. Its the sad irony of my life. As a Psychology student and a more than precocious child and overly mature and melancholic adult, I’ve always been too perceptive about people. I understand people a bit too well. Which sometimes means I have to act as ‘unpaid uncredited shrink’ to people. Maybe because I look older than my years..wise beyond my noble years. Or maybe its because I nod knowingly. Why else would people be drawn to tell everything to a perfectly strange stranger? But so it goes. Unfortunately, I’ve recently realised that my understanding of people goes for a not-too-well-aimed toss when its about people with whom I become emotionally invested. Is that irony? I’m always confused with examples of irony. To quote Lelaina Pierce, “I can’t define it..but I know it when I see it”. Or do I?

The paranoia and delirium continue in August..

9 months. The human gestation period, if it began at the start of 2010, would end this coming month i.e. September. The baby comes out and everyone is happy and proud. But depression is different. To get over depression, one would have to not just yank it out. One would have to deliberately purge it out.  I hate leeches and clusters. I also almost faint at the sight of blood. What then is the solution? The human mind. I tell myself..its all in my mind. Presumptuous? Who me?

I write an ode to the human mind and all its quirks..

ALONE

I was 2 years old. I had a fever of 106-107 degrees. My parents had to rush me to the hospital in the middle of the night to put me on an ice slab. I was ALONE on that slab..but I had my parents around.

I was 8 years old. I was at camp. I was the youngest camp member. We had to navigate a trail through the forest using a compass. We had to river raft. We had to cross a river on a rope hanging upside down. We had to cook and clean and go out to the open loo in the dark with a torchlight. We carried our backpacks and our sleeping bags and our equipment and food and fuel and trekked for five miles. We set up camp on a different site. We cooked our own food on a big fire..and made tea with milkmaid. We had to take turns patrolling the entire campsite. My group’s turn was from 1am-3am. After my turn was done, I was ALONE in my tent for the rest of the night..but I had my sister around.

I was 14 when I got my appendicitis removed. My sister was sick and admitted to the hospital in a different city. My mom was visiting her. My dad was on tour. I had to be admitted to the hospital and operated on, without my immediate family with me. I was ALONE in my hospital room and on the operating table..but I had my then best friend with me around.

At 17 years, I was at a college I hated. At a place I hated. I was waking up early morning and rushing to catch the bus at 5.30am to reach a place I hated. I was ALONE at that godforsaken place..but I had my best friend and my soulmate around.

I travelled to a foreign country when I was 21 years old. There was some drama about my luggage at the airport. I reached London and was enthralled by how massive Heathrow airport is. Even just Terminal 4. I went through immigration. I boarded the shuttle to carry me to a different terminal to board the domestic flight to Manchester. My luggage did not reach Manchester. I was all ALONE on my flight, without my bags, without even a change of clothes with me..but I had my boy waiting for me.

A year later, I was in Sheffield working on my assignments. I was trying to find a part-time job. I was cooking my meals, cleaning my dishes, cleaning my room, washing my clothes, doing all my grocery shopping, hunting for a job, applying to various places, navigating through the city of Sheffield to go for interviews, going to the library at odd hours, staying up late studying. Then I fell sick. I got allergic to something I ate. It was terrible. Amidst all this, I had to go to Boots to buy myself some antihistamines. I coupled that up with a job interview in the city centre, since I was too unwell to come back all the way again. I was ALONE all through this..but I had my books to keep me sane.

Now at 25, I wander on the streets like a drifter. I’m unsure of how to react to people. I see people act horrifically, I see them do sick things, I see them make this country a garbage bin of discarded values and morals. I’m too shy to say anything to anyone, I’m too scared of the people that I see. I cry when I see filth, and I know I need help to get over my OCD. This place is closing down on me. I’m claustrophobic here. This city, this country, once so magnificent. “Once we built civilizations, now we build shopping malls” for more people to populate them and trash them, and for more disease and poverty. I want to get away from it, get away from its people, who just don’t seem to care. I want to live in cleaner lands, where people take respect in their own lives, the way they have built them, their surroundings, their fellow people. I want to be amongst people who know, who care, who respect beauty and justice and truth as much as I do. I dont wanna be ALONE..because over here, there’s nobody else but me.

The Earth and the sound it deserves

“For Man gave Earth its saddest sound..its saddest sound”. As I was cruising down the highway from my workplace to my home, this astounding piece of poetry by Simon and Garfunkel was playing in my head and on my mp3 player. As I looked out of the air-conditioned bus towards the Arabian Sea and the high-tide waters ominously lashing onto the mangroves near Vashi creek and the puny fishermen’s canoes that swayed gently in the late afternoon winds, I couldn’t help but think to myself how appropriately relevant these words are to the times we live in. For Man, who once reveled in planting trees and worshipping mountains and rivers, has also given the Earth its saddest sound. The sound of ignorance. The sound of apathy. The sound of 21st century civilization.

I live in a world of contradictions. The city of Mumbai, where I live, experienced the worst floods ever in Indian history in July 2005. Thousands lost their lives, many more lost their homes, and almost everyone in the city developed an unhealthy aversion to the rains from thenceforth. For a place that experiences one of the harshest monsoons on this side of the globe for a good four months every year, this aversion was not going to be easy to live with for most Mumbaikars. Post-flood studies showed that the natural course of one of the most important rivers flowing through Mumbai, the Mithi, had been tampered with, to make space for more dwellings for more people within a city that is literally bursting at its seams and sides and pockets. The population of Mumbai surpasses a staggering 1.3 crores and more people are coming in every day. Studies also showed that the drains across the city were getting choked because of a large number of plastic filth that has been accumulating over the years. Most Mumbaikars are ignorant of this plight. The ones who’re aware choose to forego taking any constructive action because the ingrained attitude often hums to the sound of “What difference can one person make in a city of 1.3 crore?”

Contradiction number 1:

The cycle goes something like this: A certain number of enlightened educated people who believe in being civic-minded and liberal, take standard steps towards making the city cleaner, less polluted, and less threateningly warm every summer. They start with cleaning up the beaches, propagating the use of cloth or paper bags, using environmentally friendly products and making other environmentally friendly lifestyle choices. For a brief perfect moment, life takes on a rosy tinge and people suddenly seem unrealistically cherubic and healthy. As the city thrives, more people from elsewhere are obviously attracted to its riches and the urge to unravel the secret of a healthier, more glowing populace. Its common human nature. Land-hopping from bounty-less lands to bountiful ones has been the trend since the Homo Erectus migrated from Africa across Eurasia over a million years ago in search of food and better climate. National park boundaries get blurred as migrants set up homes (read shanties) near the peripheries of parks. Animals get confused between usual prey and livelihood or humans. Clearly, in a city with an ever increasing population, there are never going to be enough homes for all. The seams that are bursting at Mumbai’s sides are stretched to their Lycra limits and are visible to the naked eye. As populations rise, basic needs are left unfulfilled. Land, water, sanitation, education – there is a dearth for all. Nobody believes things can get any better, because face it, in a city with 1.3 crore people and still counting, who has the patience to bother? Beaches become sleeping and defecating grounds for the impoverished, cloth and paper bags are only for the rich and fancy (the poor stick to the readily available and less expensive plastic), environment-friendly products become rarities, everybody revels in a certain apathetic attitude and debauchery and the city slumps down to its choking, blocking, flooding, overheated self again.

And then they try to save the mangroves near my home by the sea, and in the process make the seas vanish and sea-life is left floundering and this completes the contradiction thoroughly..

Contradiction number 2:

The world around us is changing and yet, there are things that have remained the same for centuries. The powerful have managed to dislocate the powerless from their own lands and they continue to do so all across India. The reasons differ only ever so slightly – either mining for scant resources that are depleting because of over-use by the very same population that encourages the use of cloth bags etc. or other forms of “urbanization” or “industrialization” – which all ultimately mean the same for those being displaced.

My world of contradictions is apparent in the forces that try to wean the lands and the resources away from indigenous populations. I work at an Institute where many are involved in fighting and thereby attempting to diminish the hazards faced by such populations at the hands and bulldozers of “State and corporate villains”. On the one hand, we talk and debate this situation (often alluding to the story of Pandora and the Na’avi) and our minds are clear of any ghosts of us being at fault. But therein lays the contradiction. For all the fighting for the rights of the marginalized and their rich bountiful lands and to keep them from breathing down harmful life-threatening fumes that the villains are only too keen to open up like tear gas on a marching protesting crowd of unsuspecting people, our city remains at its perilous worst. These very people remain unnervingly ignorant of doing things the right way to keep our neighbourhoods from clogging and congesting and going down the environmental sewage drain.

The fact is that, nowadays, people are involved in pursuits that are gratifying to them at material and spiritual levels, but that stay far behind on an intellectual and sensory level. What then can one human do? I’m not referring to lofty ideals of making the environment of the entire world blissfully better by one sweep of my non-existing magic wand. But hear me out..for I am the voice of reason. I begin with myself..my home..my neighbourhood..and travel as far as my mind allows me with cleanliness and purity and wisdom. I do my own duty, not as a conscientious citizen of this city of country..but as an intelligent, thinking, and understanding human. The greatest gift humans have is the mind and we’d be fools to not make good of it while we can.

I don’t litter, I don’t use plastic, I don’t spit except in the washbasins at home, I do not waste water, I switch off the lights and the fans in my room and others when I leave them and there’s nobody occupying them, I stick to public transport, I don’t burst firecrackers during the festival season or otherwise, I line-dry my clothes (I used to do it even when I lived in the UK for two years), I blog about others spitting as if it is their god-given birthright and how tearful that makes me, I compulsively promise myself that one day the world shall be cleaner, brighter, funner, more humane and properly lit with alternate sources of energy which humans respect. I indulge in a very basic sense of environment friendly acts (nothing too fancy or organic or alternative or non-combustible). If 1% of the population of Mumbai does the same, that would mean 1,00,000 Mumbaikars would thereby make this city a highway to global paradise; the numbers are astounding even in such miniscule quantities. Such simple gestures by the world at large would be golden!!

Man ought to give the Earth its loveliest sound..the sound of beauty and justice and cleanliness and a greener world where leaves rustle and birds chirp and the oceans swell and babies sigh peacefully in their sleep.